Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
