hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
