Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
