I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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