last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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