She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
