I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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