if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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