Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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