i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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