A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize