Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
