if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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