seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
