I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
