Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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