My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
