Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize