omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
