he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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