Having a random hookup so left but love u
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
