Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
