When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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