I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
