i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
