She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
