You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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