Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hippo gnu deer
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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