Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize