Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
