His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
