The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
