I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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