woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
