i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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