Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
