Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
