Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He felt like a one man threesome
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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