Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
