thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
