I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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