That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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