Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
