can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
