How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The convent might be a nice break from real life
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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