capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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