My underwear smells like fireworks.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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