I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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