i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
