I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
