you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
