FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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