i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize