I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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