Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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