your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize