Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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