Already got asked if we're dating
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
