a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
