: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
