my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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