when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize
