Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize