I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
