I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
