I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
