For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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